Here

I moved out.
I grew up.
I learned a lot.
I survived my first finals week.
I made it here.


Here, where I live a good life. Where people love me and I have the privilege to love them. Here, where I get up day after day with purpose. I love where I am.


I used to never think I would make it here. I used to never think I could.


Everyday I get up I surprise myself. Everyday is a day further than I thought was possible.


I live a good life but one that is far from perfect. I am unemployed and running out of money. I have a crush on a boy who loves classic rock, winter time, and working. He's almost perfect and I'm so far from it. I'm stuck in that in-between stage of love. I eat too much and work out too little. I've had my heart broken in the past month or so and I broke some hearts in the last month or so. I'm too opinionated and feel the need to voice it all the time. I'm getting a little better at not hating myself but...


You know, it gets hard. Life's never easy.


But I love it and I think that's all that matters.

If You Could Spend a Day in My Mind

If you could spend a day in my mind you would see how much I care for people's feelings. You would understand how scared I am to offend someone or make them feel anything else but happy.


You could see how my heart has hurt more than it ever has in these past couple weeks. You would see that I don't value anyone's opinion about me. Which is both good and bad because if you hate me I really don't care but if you love me it will take me the longest time to realize it. You could easily see how I have trust issues.


You would see that I went to every dance I could during the 3 years of high school and can count on less than one hand how many times I was asked to dance.


You would see that I have absolutely no motivation to attend school anymore and it's not because of the school work or waking up early. I'm just too afraid to stand up for myself because I don't want to offend anyone even if it's the people that despise me.


I'm scared that I won't be able to find someone who cares about me as much as I care about them but I'll fall in love anyway.


You would see how my heart broke when I found out a crush on some boy was worth more than 3 years of friendship. Not just any friendship but best friends. We were best friends. You could see how that contributes to my trust issues.


But most of all you would see that happiness I feel for the little things every day. You would see how happy I get when someone gives me their time to talk. You would see how much little things like thunder or a hug mean to me. You would see that even on the worst day I have the ability to be happy and forget about my worries. You would see that I love everyone and that I'm so proud of the person I am. 


Thank you to Paris and Nelson for providing a safe environment so I could be myself. I will be forever grateful for every single person in our class. You taught me how to get up in front of people and feel comfortable talking. I have learned so much more about myself this past year than I ever have and I think it has a lot to do with this class and the people in it. So this is me thanking you all.


With Love and Admiration,


                    Laine

Open Your Eyes to the Beauty that Resides

You were connected to a machine and I hadn't seen you in a couple days. We don't even talk much but I love you. I already love you.


Tears were embedded inside the corner of my eyes as I told you I had missed you and you looked up with the same eyes as mine and your face said it all. There was no need for small talk, You knew that I meant what I said and you needed to hear it because you weren't just suffering from health.
We talked yesterday and you told me about your worries and I couldn't help but see my sophomore self in yours.


First year of high school with a big heart and small friends.
A little too hard on yourself in the mirror but able to admit to it.
Obviously strong in the not so literal sense.
And we can't forget about our nagging mothers and caring brothers.


This is for you.


The struggling girls and boys.
The every sort of problem poise.


Dig yourself out everyday over and over and over again until you see the world as it should be.
Cry when you need to and scream when you can and wish on every 11:11 and shooting star because life's not ending with high school.

It's just the beginning and you have enough time to change the world.
Graduate in dramatizing your life and find new things to talk about around people.
Curl your hair to impress him and maybe one day it will be enough.
Try changing someone's life and it might just have the opposite effect. 
Love everyone as much as your capable of.
Humble yourself before karma does it for you and
Don't wait for approval just sky dive.
Fall in love with the world and embrace every enemy.  

I realize you're all awake but wake up again and smell the roses. They've all been waiting for you.

Too Late

Wednesday and
Time
Time stopped and the room was spinning.
And Twitter, Twitter delivered the bad news. 
It always does.


Give me 30 seconds and then give me more because it hasn't sunk in.


Homework: irrelevant.
Sleep: Impossible.


Thursday was no ordinary day.
The temple was home.
And the Sun must've known to skip school too.
You were supposed to wake up just like the rest of us.
But we were too late.
too late.
Sorry mom I didn't eat today.


Friday was for the guilt.
I was celebrating my life and he just took his.
I blew out my candles twice.
Once for Terik and once for me.


Saturday was sorry.
Sorry I kept you up late yesterday mom. I know you have work early every morning but I turned 18.
I don't know if you noticed but I'm one year older now and he's not.
I'm sorry I was too late.


Sunday was already here.
Turns out that time actually never stops even when you need it to.
I needed it to.
I needed you. We all did.

You Struck Me

This one time I spent an entire night trying to take a picture of lightning.

I did, I got the picture. But I  only got one and that wasn't enough. I mean I've seen lighting strike many times but I've only caught it once and it took a long time to catch.

But here I am. I'm in a lightning storm and you, you struck me. You didn't stay long enough for me to see us. Maybe you lit up just for me and wondered if I could press the button fast enough.

But I didn't. I totally missed it.

I heard every second you count after lightning strikes until you hear the thunder can tell you how far away it struck.

I counted every second after I met you and my heart counted every rapid beat after that.

But thunder is always filled with so much doubt. It has the ability to keep  you quiet and that was enough for me.

I wanted the thunder to stop coming after the lightning but every time you struck me the thunder would get louder and louder. It shook me up inside and now I'm nothing but an empty heart still yearning for some real long lightning.

Somewhere in the middle of this thunderstorm the rain is plowing through all my emotions leaving me with warm jumbled feelings embedded in my soul. 

If you're in CW2 then you NEED to read this.

This post has actually been on my mind for a while. I walk the halls sometimes at lunch just to think about people and memories. I like to watch how different people do things. I know that sounds weird but the more I learn about people the more I wish I could say what I wanted to them. I don't always say what I want to so here's my chance to get it all out. I know Jess did it first but I still wanted to do it.

You helped me out a lot Jess because the things you said about me are the exact things I don't see in myself. So thank you for reminding me that the way I see myself doesn't have to be the way others see me.

This is my personalized valentine to each of you in the class. Memories or my observations of you are here. Don't worry I will still bring you little presents but here is the personalized portion of them.

I am being honest here. I really mean everything I'm saying.

Natty- I'm going to start with you. Because you were so nice to me my sophomore year and I still remember our PE class we had together. You've always been so kind to me. I just think the world of you.




C.J- You're second because I didn't know you till this year but I wish I had known you sooner. You are so cool. I've actually admired your style since sophomore year and I always wanted to meet you so now I'm very glad that I can say hi to you in the halls.




Samantha- You make me so proud to be a women. You're going to be very successful in life. I can just tell. <3 <3 <3




John- I've known you forever but I haven't known you in forever. So that makes me kind of sad. You're incredibly smart and extremely talented. Go you.



Mallory O.- Okay first off I don't think anything I could say could explain how highly I think of you. You are an amazing singer and you're very pretty. You are very kind. I can tell that you truly care about people. Also I love our awkward hellos in the seminary bathroom.




Colby- You always have something really nice to say to everyone. I can tell you're a very genuine person. Sometimes I watch you dance in class. Lol. I can see how you feel the music inside of you. You're so good at expressing yourself through your actions. I know this all sounds weird but it's all just really cool. You're cool.

JJ- you are so cool. I love that you jumped right into creative writing two. I love your blog and how you write so frequently. You're very talented and very cute. <3 <3 <3


Saige- I feel like when you first moved here from California I wasn't as nice to you as I could've been. I mean I wasn't like mean but I wasn't nice either. I don't know but I regret it all so much because you deserve kindness. I'm very sorry. I hope you forgive me. Also you are drop dead gorgeous. But like Naturally. You are very naturally beautiful is what I'm trying to say here.


Mckay- You are really cool to me. I feel like I envy yours and C.J.'s friendship a lot. You guys are like two peas in a pod. I like it a lot. And you always have a rockin' sense of style going on.  And you are a very kind person. Keep being you.


Natalie- You are the full package deal. Gorgeous long dark hair, great writer, musically gifted, and cute style.


Micah-  I feel like I've always just had this connection with you where if I see you and we haven't talked in a while it feels like we've been talking for months. I don't really know how to explain it but you are so cool. I've always enjoyed your Halloween costumes.


McCall- You were my first friend in 7th grade. I still remember the conversation we had then. I was extremely awkward in 7th grade so thank you for always giving me a chance to be your friend. Really thank you so much. <3 <3 <3


Kailee- I feel like I know you really well because of your amazing blog. You are so pretty. I admire you a lot.


Hailey- You carry yourself so well. You are an amazing slam poet and public speaker. You seem confident and I love that about you.


Abby N.- You can literally bring a smile to anyone's face in seconds just by your laugh. It's really cute. You should be very proud of yourself. You're a good person. We have a lot of memories together and I like that a lot.


Abigail W.- You are so good at listening to people and remembering things about them. I love talking to you. I've always thought you were gorgeous. I just adore you Abby.


Sara Elizabeth Brown- I don't even know where to begin. We've been friends for so long now and I think that's really something. We may not always get along when we're driving in the same car but I wouldn't trade my roller skating buddy for anything. I love you Juno.


Tanner J.- Oh your blog is so great. Always keep writing Bobby Ray Simmons Jr.


Ashley- I remember the days we used to hangout. Those were great. I've always loved talking to you. You are so cute and extremely nice.


Emma- I love when you get up to slam some poetry. You're a great writer and a good person. 10/10 personality.


Reagan- Or should I say Reags. I love when we say hi in the halls and you call me megs and I call you reags. I've enjoyed being your friend for so long. Your house is really cute and so are you. haha. <3 <3 <3


Michael- I love how you are yourself around everyone. You don't change for certain people. That is a great quality. You are a very genuine and kind. Thank you for always being so cheerful. Thank you.


Cassidy- I haven't talked to you in a while but I want to. You have a great smile and laugh. Your hair is so pretty every day. I don't think I've ever seen you have a bad hair day so go you.


Annie- You are just the cutest. You're very nice to me and I appreciate it. <3 <3 <3


Morgan- I wish I was as self motivated as you are. You know how to live life and love it. I really like your blog. You're a great writer. I miss our old cheer days together. lol. good times.


Madeline- I think every girl at our school envies you. You have it all together. You are so smart and beautiful. Your writing blows my socks off. Go you.


Tanner T.- You're really cool. Thanks for showing me that sweet cave and painting pottery with me. I always have a great time when I'm around you. You're going to have a very successful future. I think you have life figured out way more than I do.


Maddi- You are so cute. You have that shy but strong personality that's going to take you far in life. <3 <3 <3


Mallary- You're so good at being you. You are a very kind and down to earth. I love your writing and blog a lot.


Cole- You always say hi to me. I like that. You have the coolest style of writing. I don't even know how you can write like that but your mind seems rhythmic. You're very caring and nice.


Hannah- You are so cool. So talented. I'm always here for you if you need a friend. Your style is so cute and I love that you can sing and play the guitar so well. Go you.


Isaac- Oh Isaac. You're so interesting to me. You're probably the coolest person I've ever met. I really want to hangout with you but I don't know how to. If I bought a Hacky Sack would you hangout with me? I don't know I've gone through just about every possibility. You are an amazing writer. I really mean it. You're the type of person I want to have a intelligent conversation with. You're so down to earth and genuine. I like it a lot.


Nelson- You've impacted my life so much. Thank you so much for trying to be a good person every day. You can make people feel every type of emotion within seconds. I think that's why you are so good teaching. We need more people like you in this world. Go you.


Jess- Thank you for saying so many kind words to me. I love you for it. Can we be better friends? I feel like we could have a good friendship. You are so sweet. I love how you bake cookies for us all sometimes. We need more people like you in this world. Also you are so good at slamming poetry. I love your writing and I think you're very pretty.

.....And I can't scream it with them.

Here I am standing on the bleachers and the crowd is yelling AIR BALL AIR BALL AIR BALL AIR BALL and TWO FACE TWO FACE TWO FACE TWO FACE and I can't scream it with them. I picture that kids face in my head as he walks back to the bench held low and droplets climbing out of the corner of his eyes and I can't scream at him. "It's just sports game". But he's not just a basketball player. He's not just a basketball player.


What kind of high school student am I?


I'm not supposed to care about the other teams feelings.


I'm not supposed to care about hearts and emotions.


I should care about that twitter page designed by a bully.


I should gossip about her messy hair and beat up sweats.


I should judge, judge, judge.




But, I feel so guilty every time I do.


I care so much about peoples feelings.


The more I write the more I see the real me.


I'm me. I'm so me.


I think I'm pretty cute and I get really mad when girls think they can't say that about themselves.


I don't put up with mean people.


I like how much I weigh and I'm almost way to comfortable alone.


I get so mad over bullying.


I think you would too if almost everyday of your childhood was spent cheering up your sister because someone made fun of her weight again.


Because when someone is having a hard day I think back to hugging my sister and telling her how beautiful she is and asking God why it was her and not me.


So here I am on the bleachers and I can't scream.


Because he's not just a basketball player and she's more than her weight.


So forgive me Michelle Obama. I don't think obesity is the biggest problem in America.

I don't think wheat noodles and Kale chips can make my sisters tears stop.


So before you judge another person think beyond them please.


There is something amazing about everyone and it's your choice whether you see that part of them.

Film Festivities.

I'm pretending to be a photo journalist today.

17 ---> 18

17 is ticking down and 18 is going to stick to me whether I want it or not.


For now I will just take you one step at a time and hope you stick to me like 18 already has.


Because you scare me more than anyone else and I'm not quite sure how to handle my heart.


I hope you find me on soon.


We'll boil our pasts away and use our magic beans for something more.

Paper Towns

Paper Towns

by, John Green

Quotes

“It was nice - in the dark and the quiet... and her eyes looking back, like there was something in me worth seeing.”  


“That's always seemed so ridiculous to me, that people want to be around someone because they're pretty. It's like picking your breakfeast cereals based on color instead of taste.”  


“What a treacherous thing to believe that a person is more than a person.”  


“I know it's impossible for you to see your peers this way, but when you're older, you start to see them--the bad kids and the good kids and all kids--as people. They're just people, who deserve to be cared for.”